The Regime's Guide to Good Citizenship
The Regime is working hard to make life easier for Americans. All they ask for is a little bit of unconditional compliance, but these pesky dissident Patriots keep throwing a wrench in the plans. It is vital that you do not cause difficulty for the Regime – they are only trying to do what’s best for you. Resistance is just plain rude.
This simple guide can assist you in avoiding a life of crime, punishable by indefinite detainment in the Gulag. The Regime is diligently searching for terrorists and you want to be above suspicion. (Really – you do, because suspicion is all that is necessary for punishment and confinement these days.)
1.) Never protest, peacefully or otherwise. The Federally Restricted Building and Grounds Improvement Act was put into place in order to protect our fearless leaders from actions that might publicly embarrass them. Governing is a difficult job, and they don’t need the likes of you cluttering the steps of the Capitol with your signs. It makes them feel badly.
2.) Don’t say mean things about the Regime on the internet. It’s not only hurtful, it’s illegal. Furthermore, due to CISPA, your internet providers and social networking sites now have a civic duty to snoop through you emails, status updates and forum posts, and then turn you in. And while we’re on this topic, using technology to shield your IP address is childish and only makes you look suspicious. If you don’t have anything to hide, then what are you so worried about?
3.) Never pay cash. It’s a clear sign of dissident behaviour. It’s very inconvenient for the Regime to track your spending if you don’t pay with a credit card or debit card. How are they supposed to know who just bought more ammo or 100 pounds of rice if you pay cash for it? Furthermore, you are cheating the big banks out of their fees and interest rates, which is very inconsiderate.
4.) Drink your fluoridated water. The Regime is fluoridating the water for your own good. The Regime wants you to have nice teeth. You might have brain damage, cancer or thyroid issues, but your teeth will be rinsed with fluoride with every sip you take. Demanding that your municipalities stop adding fluoride to the local water supplies is very ungrateful.
5.) Allow the teachers to teach. Teaching your kids at home is unnecessary and can cause a lot of problems for your child. A child who is a critical thinker is anathema among his or her peers. A child educated to do so is willful and disobedient, often rebelling when authority figures want to pat them down or handcuff them. Children need to learn to follow instructions without hesitation, and if benefits no one if you teach them to question authority. If a child needs to think for herself, the Regime will instruct her to do so. It is not a parent’s job to empower a child or attempt to influence him with regard to moral issues. The Regime has that covered.
6.) Don’t learn self defense techniques. Self defense classes, practicing at a firing range and hand-to-hand combat training are an insult to the Regime. The Regime will protect you. You simply don’t need to take things this far. If you want exercise, take up tennis.
7.) Do not videotape or otherwise record law enforcement officers or TSA employees. It’s just plain offensive to act as though these agents of the Regime would do anything that requires documentation. Sure, sometimes they get a little wound up and beat the daylights out of innocent people, but keep in mind, they are under a lot of pressure to stamp out domestic terrorism. And it isn’t going to kill you to get groped – it’s the price you have to pay for flying. If you just stand there quietly with your eyes downcast, the molestation will be over much more quickly.
8.) Eat your GMO, Big Agri fruits and vegetables. These foods have been specially formulated just for us. Sure, they contain only nominal nutrients in comparison to organically grown produce, but it’s just an insult to try to grow your own because you think it’s “better”. The FDA has worked hand in hand with Monsanto to provide you with a nutritionless abundance – the least you could do is eat it without complaint. Furthermore, taking vitamins to make up for the lack of nutrition is just a slap in the face to poor Big Agri, and really messes up the plan to keep us weak, lethargic and malnourished.
9.) Take your medication. The FDA and Big Pharma work hard to keep you medicated and calm. There are many benefits to today’s medications. First of all, a lifelong dependence on these medications allows a constant stream of income for Big Pharma. Secondly, psychiatric medications in particular calm your thinking, leaving you content to watch Dancing with the Stars instead of searching those horrible thought-provoking alternative news sites that brazenly criticize the Regime. For those of you who insist on taking herbal remedies instead of chemical medication, well, shame on you! Don’t you realize that you are taking money out of the pockets of the wealthy owners of pharmaceutical companies? You need to stop being so self-centered and consider others. Take your pills!
10.) Vaccinate your children. Kids today are at risk for so many horrible things. Thankfully, there is a vaccination for nearly every one of them. Sure, some kids will become autistic and uncommunicative after receiving the jab, but at least they won’t get whooping cough. The Regime is aware that the HPV vaccine doesn’t work very well and causes side effects in a large percentage of the girls who receive it, but how else are they going to secretly sterilize our female population?
As you can see, it really isn’t that difficult to stay out of trouble. If you only keep in mind that these rules are for your own good, you should have no trouble serenely being guided through life by the benevolent Regime. You, too, can reap the benefits of unconditional obedience.